Byline: Chelle LaFleur — Bottle Rockets

Now, what you all thinkin’? No, not you boys and girls here in our city. Them boys and girls Philly way. They must not got brains up there in the city of freedom ‘n all, ’cause otherwise, why else would they be so stupid as to throw their beer bottles — and I hear tell not all of ’ems empty, either — at Jim Shields?

Folks, you know what that Jim Shields does when things come flying outta the air, aimed in his direction. He done the same thing, over and over, for years.

It ain’t funny. It ain’t cool. Those riots after he throws the microphone down and storms off the stage? It’s only a matter of time before someone falls down and gets themselves all tramped to death. And then all everyone can talk about is the negative: how rude Jim’s fans are and how uncouth and how they all ought to be put to death and they hope Jim himself will fall off the face of the Earth and…

Really, boys and girls. Let’s put our hands on our knees and hold ’em still a minute. Stop and put your brains into that there ON position. I know that spot scares some-a ya, but if you can’t make yourself do it just this once, there ain’t no hope for humanity that old Chelle here can see.

This garbage has gone on for years. It’s the same each time. Some idiot thinks it’ll be funny to get under that thin surface-a Jim’s skin. The first bottle flies. Jim warns y’all. Someone else decides to go for it. ‘Cause it’s funny to watch Jim’s face go red and it’s cool when the music — which you paid a pretty penny to hear, mind you — stops.

And when that second bottle, or the third, or however many it takes afore Jim sees it, when that bottle catches his eye, it’s so funny to watch him try to break his his microphone when he throws it afore he stomps off stage.

Now, it’s true that Chelle’s seen toddlers act with more class than Jim Shields shows. But today only, we not talkin’ ’bout Jim. We talking about you. And how it only takes one idiot bottle thrower to ruin an expensive night for thousands. You really think Jim’s gonna come back Philly’s way again so soon? Not when this is the third time in a row this garbage has gone down, boys and girls.

Seems to me some folk need a field trip down to the Liberty Bell so’s they can learn what freedom really means. It don’t mean bein’ able to throw bottles at a guy who’s playin’ music so you can kick back and rock out. Freedom means somethin’ far from that.

You heard it first and you heard it here: it’s about the music, not the tantrums. Leave poor Jim alone already.

Yeah, I suppose I ought to apologize to the people of Philadelphia for smearing them so badly in this piece. But… c’mon. They’re in Philly. As most of you know, West of Mars is outside of Pittsburgh. There’s that cross-state rivalry and all.

This is a Three-Word Wednesday piece. Yes, posted on Saturday. I’ll link it up at Weekend Writer’s Retreat, as well. Just ’cause I can.

And yes, this IS based on some real-life antics of a certain star who’s been known to cause riots when the bottle rockets start flying…