1. (the boys) Long-haired (but not necessarily dirty)

2. denim-jacket wearing

3. super tight jeans

4. dirty white basketball shoes that are perpetually unlaced

5. stoned and/or drunk

6. entranced by themes of skulls, death, and dying

7. (the girls): hot, horny, and willing

8. short, tight skirts

9. Hair not necessarily big (that’s too glam for ShapeShifter) but long and mane-like

10. bitchy to each other

11. (all): smokers

12. dysfunctional, anti-social, depressed

13. not real smart

1. Lots of hearts. Deadly Metal Hatchet’s not quite the love-song type.

2. A lung (stop back for more about this!)

3. A full stomach, with contents in full detail, some of which a perceptive fan can make out but the rest of which make for unending discussion in fandom

4. A leg

5. In the breast of an otherwise curvy, attractive blonde whose come-hither face has been replaced by a scream of horror

6. Sticking out of the head of lead guitarist Fozzy, who is the only known survivor of a Hatchet attack.

7. Right smack in the middle of Scott’s bass drum.

8. A tour case. Rumor has it that the band has put the names of bands they don’t overly like on this case, but the truth is that the Hatchet went after one of its own band’s cases.

9. A beer keg. All involved agreed it was a terrible waste.

10. The driver of the band’s tour bus. This was actually a bit of an inside joke, as they had this driver who almost deserved his date with the Hatchet. He should have been in the Book of World Records for his complaining habit.

11. What appeared to be a CD put out by a boy band. Or a vanilla, generic girl who gyrated more than sang. Or both.

12. The logo for Treble TV, the hot music video channel that refused to play DMH videos.

13. A cover of Rolling Stone magazine. And this was before the magazine’s reviewers panned the DMH’s first three releases.

1. Lyric is the eldest daughter of Melody Maker, porn queen extraordinaire. Her fraternal twin sister, Allegra, is four minutes younger. Youngest sister Harmony is four years younger.

2. Melody has no idea which of a few candidates fathered her three children. For all anyone knows, there were three fathers. Or maybe only one. The one thing we’re all sure of is that men WERE involved. Frequently.

3. Lyric, Allegra, and Harmony were all raised around the porn industry. Pregnancy didn’t stop Melody from making films. For awhile. Then she moved behind the camera, into consulting on wardrobe, makeup, and other details. In front or behind the camera, Melody was savvy enough to make sure any movie she was involved with said “A Melody Maker Movie” on the front cover.

4. Lyric and Allegra decided in their teens that they didn’t want to be part of adult films. Allegra had no clear plans, but Lyric decided to go to massage therapy school. She figured that at first, she could trade on her famous name to build her clientele, but she’d earn their return business.

5. As a massage student, fresh out of high school, Lyric needed someone to practice on. Melody liked to turn the scene into a film, Allegra was out trying to find a place where she fit in, and Harmony at fourteen was just too young. It was Melody who suggested Lyric find a guy in band, especially since Lyric liked music so much.

6. ShapeShifter was on the verge of taking the city by storm, and Lyric smelled opportunity. Linking to them early would help solidify her reputation as a real massage therapist. After all, any girls who were allowed inside ShapeShifter’s inner circle for any length of time were either girlfriends or girls who refused to put out but were valuable in other ways. Lyric was, of course, the latter.

7. Lyric picked Mitchell because he was the quietest ShapeShifter member. Someone as shy as Mitchell wasn’t likely to turn a massage into something sexual, and since he barely spoke, he wasn’t likely to brag about their deal: free massages in exchange for a spot on the band’s guest list. And the occasional ShapeShifter t-shirt. As she got to know him, she was surprised to find she’d developed a loyal friend.

8. Massage was great, but Allegra was still lost and Melody was finally making noises about being done with films. It was Lyric to the rescue.

9. With input from Melody and a silent business partner who became her landlord, Lyric opened a retail shop, Lyrical Pleasures. Allegra had a job, and so did Melody whenever she wanted it. Harmony too, once she was old enough.

10. Lyrical Pleasures quickly became THE place in Riverview. And for good reason: Lyric stocks everything from exclusive and limited-quantity club wear, outfits for strippers and drag queens — including wigs, shoes, and anything else they wanted — to lingerie and sleepwear, videos, and, of course, gear and toys for consenting partners. You can be as demure or as naughty as you want at Lyrical Pleasures. She even sells such innocuous things as the most luxurious bath beads she can find.

11. Because of the store and her reputation for discretion, Lyric knows pretty much everything happening in Riverview, from the underground to the top governmental figures and the people who really run the city.

12. Lyric and Kerri have a lot in common. In fact, once the two women meet (thanks to Mitchell, of course, when Kerri complains that Mitchell’s reputation as a kinky bastard is overblown), they become fast friends, having Mitchell and ShapeShifter in common, as well as drag queen pageants. Lyric knew Kerri’s name long before they met, as Kerri did the makeup for many of her queen friends in her pre-Mitchell days.

13. What’s the deal with Trevor and Lyric? She’s not one of his conquests, much to his chagrin, although truth be told, he doesn’t try very hard. Her reputation as straight-laced and not overly interested in those sorts of relationships precedes her, and that’s how she likes it.

Mitchell takes a lot of guff from Trevor. And for Trevor, for that matter. It’s an odd friendship they have and most would say it’s crossed the line from friendship into brotherhood. Here’s some of the things they do for each other.

1. When Trevor would crash on Mitchell’s bedroom floor after being beat up by Hank, Mitchell would never step on Trevor, even as a joke or while half-asleep. Seems simple, but think about it.

2. When the kids at school would make fun of Trevor’s constant bloody, unwashed appearance (at least until Patterson Voss threw him in the shower), Mitchell would stand up for him. This was important because as Trevor hid out at Mitchell’s house and the beatings stopped, the other kids finally realized that Trevor wasn’t a fuck-up at all but was actually pretty cool.

3. Speaking of cool, Trevor made Mitchell cool. Period. Talked him into growing his hair out and piercing his ear. Taught him how to smoke, get stoned, and get girls. And what to do with the girls once he had them.

4. It’s well-known that Trevor’s a lousy bass player. Yet he sounds awfully good on album. An excerpt from an article on the subject: Voss fixes the room with one of those stares that makes your mouth go dry. “Trevor plays his own parts.” No one has the saliva left to ask about the things he’s leaving unsaid.

5. Mitchell makes sure that anyone who rags on Trevor’s lack of musical talent knows that he’s the creative force behind the band.

6. Trevor pretends he doesn’t know where Mitchell disappears to during the nights when they’re recording. Or why all of a sudden, the next morning, the parts he recorded the day before sound so much better.

7. Before he gets too drunk at parties, Mitchell will drink the beer that Trevor’s holding before it gets warm and flat. This works because no one pays that much attention and everyone assumes Trevor’s actually drinking. And Mitchell gets blasted twice as fast.

8. When Trevor gets too cheeky, full of himself, or just plain annoying, Mitchell puts him back in his place.

9. Trevor gets too cheeky, full of himself, or just plain annoying so that Mitchell can beat him up and feel good about how manly he is. Or thinks he is.

10. When Trevor decided that running the band’s business was cutting into his woman chasing and other rock star duties, Mitchell stepped in and took over. After having watched Trevor for more than a year, he had an idea of what to do.

11. One night during the early, pre-crew days when Mitchell had a cold, Trevor set up his equipment for him. He chased off Eric and Daniel when they tried to help, and then blamed the set-up on some over-eager fan who’d conveniently disappeared.

12. Mitchell’s lost count of the number of irate husbands/boyfriends/fathers who’ve come in search of Trevor. The number who found him is only a handful; one growl from Mitchell and anyone with a brain runs the other way. The handful wasn’t lacking a brain, per se. They merely got lucky and found Trevor … at an exposed moment.

13. And then there’s that whole thing near the end of Trevor’s Song that involves a bed. This is what it means to be a friend.

2. Tour of Riverview
I still refer back to this one a lot, but that’s because it’s an important one! Not as funny as most, but important nonetheless.

3. Mitchell and Kerri’s Farm house
Many of you guys responded to this one. I’m not sure why, unless you really dug the fact that these rock stars live as normally as the rest of us.

4. Trevor’s Kitchen
‘Nuff said.

5. Halloween.
I think many, if not most of you, came on board after this inaugural Thirteen was posted. You’re missing a good one.

6. Loving and Hating the Holidays

Some good, some bad, a lot of fun…

7. The Special Hanukkah Edition

The ladies of Riverview rip it up.

8. The Balancing Meme
The guys show why ShapeShifter rules the Earth. Or at least a journalist or two.

9. Mitchell’s Desk
Many of you connected to this one. It’s a spot whose mental image is particularly clear to me.

10. Valentine’s Day
The boys get their say.

11. The Aftermath of the Earring Debacle
I know the picture wasn’t great, but couldn’t you ooh and ahh over my earrings?

12. St. Patrick’s Day Adventures

Boys…

And lastly…
13. Mabel
How can you resist a guitar with this sort of history?

Hey, wait one fucking minute here. Susan wouldn’t have come up with this blog if it hadn’t been for me. This fucked-up thing she’s doing needs to center around me. Trevor Fucking Wolff. (And if that’s not enough to save her from the shame of not being an R-rated blog, I’ll call my dealer and have him come liven the party up some.)

Without further ado (I’ve always wanted to say that), here’s a list all about me and that day in November.

1. Trevor Fucking Wolff was born. Are you dumb enough to believe that anything else important happened?

2. Other shit happened on that day, too. Like the day when Pam came up to Rusty and told her that Mitchell would like her better if Rusty wore a push-up bra. I knew I’d have trouble hating Rusty properly when she kept calm and said, “Why mess with perfection?”

3. Then there was the night the band played this show and Walter Cicewski jumped up on stage. Turns out he and Mitchell were buddies. The big idiot never bothered to tell any of us he’d buddied up to someone like Chi-Chev.

4. It was the first time I bought anything from Lyric‘s shop. Mitchell told me to. Like I listen to that dork; I was going to before he told me to.

5. The band landed in Japan for the first time. Two days later, I ran up a sushi bill I couldn’t pay. Remind me to tell you that one.

6. On my nineteenth birthday, Harry’s Hoagies went back to using the good meatballs. They’d been using this piss-poor recipe before that and if you ate them, you’d have the runs for two days. Three if you were lucky.

7. Chelle LaFleur claims it’s the day she said, “You heard it first, and you heard it here. Fat chicks with dark skin do like metal! You sit down and watch ’cause I’ll prove it.” I’ll be damned, but she’s doing just that.

8. It was somewhere around my birthday that I hooked up with Amy and started my whole thing with the Voss family.

9. Boomer, the KRVR DJ, played ShapeShifter for the first time. It was our demo, but that didn’t matter. It was ShapeShifter. On the radio. On my birthday. I thought life didn’t get any better than that. Fuck, I was a fool.

10. Mama Voss actually fed me turkey on Thanksgiving. Okay, that wasn’t on my real birthday ’cause Hank knocked eight of my teeth loose the day before when I asked for a day without him drinking, but Sonya put together a holiday dinner once I could eat solids again.

11. I got stoned with Daniel and Eric for the first time. I don’t think Eric had ever gotten stoned before. He liked it.

12. Other famous birthdays: Who fucking cares? It’s all about Trevor Wolff.

13. Famous people who died on my birthday: Like I care? Life goes on with or without you. So long as it’s going on with me, nothing else matters.

So my stresses of the past few weeks haven’t been totally resolved (although I managed the bun quite nicely for the dress rehearsal. Now, on to the recital!) and won’t be until Friday, at the earliest.

Yet for whatever reason, my stress levels have dropped and the muse has returned.

If you were here on Monday for Rhian‘s Poetry Train, you read this outtake. If you haven’t read it yet, please make time for it; it’s now one of my all-time favorites, with Death By Cheese and Green Hair Week.

At any rate, this week’s Thirteen springs from that outtake. Poor Mitchell and his newly-pierced ears…

Thirteen things Mitchell did Upon Coming To

1. Put a hand up to his ear to find out why it was throbbing.

2. Felt three earrings instead of the expected one.

3. Peeled himself off the bed where Trevor had put him when he passed out and staggered over to his mirror for a better look.

4. Puked all over the mirror and his dresser.

5. Panicked at this latest mess.

6. Proclaimed it was Trevor’s to clean up. All of it.

7. Found Trevor smoking out on the back patio. Beat him almost as senseless as Hank used to, only without the psychological torture thrown in.

8. Supervised Trevor’s clean up of mess in bedroom, including bloody sheets from the passed-out piercing.

9. Spent four days hiding his ears from everyone. Considered gelling his hair into place in front of his ears (both, to reduce suspicion) but the gel turned his hair an ugly shade of grey.

10. Blackmailed Amy into keeping quiet when she discovered Trevor’s handiwork. (Bribes had a bad tendency to get ignored after a few days.)

11. Went shopping with Amy for new earrings to wear as soon as the lame-assed starter earrings could come out. Amy bought him the famed winged dragon that a fan took out of his ear with her teeth while video cameras were rolling. Bitch kept it, too. That clip made it into the band’s first behind-the-scenes video, Take the (Back)Stage.

12. Beat Trevor up again ’cause three earrings cost way more than one, and require some finesse to pull off properly — or so says Amy, who knows more about fashion. Or did, back in those early days, before Mitchell hired stylists and Amy spent her days in long white lab coats.

13. Finally came clean to Sonya and Patterson when they were healed and not about to close when Patterson insisted they come out. Unfortunately for all the trouble Mitchell went through, they didn’t care. Mitchell suspected Amy squealed and what they cared most about was his coming clean about what Trevor had done to him. No comment was ever made by either parent about the earrings, although Sonya would buy him some from time to time if she saw some she thought he’d like.

Don’t forget to check out the Hidden Treasures Summer Reading Contest! And in case you’ve been living under a rock, voting is still open for the Blogger’s Choice Awards. Go make me number one, will ya?

Unfortunately, the twin stresses that prompted last week’s Thursday Thirteen haven’t been resolved (Mom, I love you, but you said some very hurtful things at a time when the focus should have been on #2’s school dilemma, not either of us), and now there’s more!

1. I caught #1’s cold and it’s doing its best to turn into bronchitis.

2. I’ve been tagged for a meme by Lori.
3. I’ve been tagged for a meme by Red.
4. I’ve been tagged for a meme by Thomma Lyn.
5. I’ve been tagged for a meme by Wylie.

6. Plus, Aline and L^2 have also tagged me in the past, and I’ve had to let those balls drop.

7. #2 has her first dance recital next week. I am not nearly so silly as you think because I’m stressed over having to put her hair into a bun.

8. #1 is home from school and all he wants to do is play with friends. And play with friends. And play with friends. I don’t mind being his chauffeur (so long as he doesn’t call me Jeeves), but it’d be nice if some of these friends were home to play with!

9. I’m tickled pink by everyone’s responses to my story poem (scroll down if you missed it). I can’t decide if I’m glad no one wanted me to tell them more about our nameless roadie, though. Eventually, I’d like to do a book about a roadie.

10. The way you guys reacted to last week’s Thursday Thirteen touched me. Not just because you caught on that I’m stressed, but because you love Trevor so much. It just makes me all the more eager to bring you Trevor’s Song. I hope you’ll stick with me and help me build my fan base as we progress through this process called publication.

11. The summer reading contest is coming. Can you feel it? Are you one of the many people who’ve stuffed my inbox with prizes and suggestions, only to not get a response? Apologies for that. I’ve been so focused on #2’s school dilemma that I’ve answered only the barest of mails.

12. I’m not ready to launch the Summer Reading Contest and dammit, I want to be. You guys are going to dig it; it’ll be the same format as Debut a Debut, only with some improvements. Fortunately, Erica at Writing Aspirations is on board with me again. And Karen at Morsie Reads. And hopefully lots of you guys, too. Yes, if the criteria fits, you can overlap this contest with any of your other reading challenges or contests. I’m easy like that!

13. I really want to spend time with Trevor and company. As you guys have noticed, I love my characters. I wish I had more, more, more time to write (I know, don’t we all?), but what struck me last night was that one of my least favorite solutions to #2’s school dilemma is sending her to a program that would give me more time to write. Can YOU figure that one out without invoking the phrase, “You’re putting your daughter first, you good mom, you!”???

And edited to add a bonus: it seems that the Tour Manager found this week’s header picture… in the home of our own TTer Babe King. Be sure to tell her you saw her here and to thank her for the picture — and be sure to get her new release from Freya’s Bower this month, too!!!

1. Why get so bent out of shape about something that’s not true? Or is there a raw nerve in all those lies?
2. You can’t accomplish shit if you’re all worked up. Go chug some Pepto so you don’t puke, get some sleep, and chill out.
3. No, it may NOT work out. But that’s how life is. Deal.
4. Mitchell’s mom says fighting for someone who can’t fight for themselves is noble. I think it’s just the way it’s gotta be.
5. You gotta stop and think about what’s hurting her the most, and fix that first. The rest’ll happen on its own.
6. Most people are jerks. That’s why the world needs people like me — to balance out the jerks.
7. What do you mean I’M a jerk? Been talking to Mitchell or something?
8. Yeah, it hurts like a motherfucker when you break a bone, but it’s nothing compared to when a family member breaks your heart.
9. It takes this sort of shit for you to know what you’re made of. Once you figure that out, all the rest’s a breeze.
10. Sometimes, facing down the shit’s the hardest thing you can do. But if it’s gotta get done, it’s gotta get done, so suck it up and figure out how to make it happen.
11. Quitcher bitching, stop stressing, and get it done already.
12. Don’t forget what you’re fighting for.
13. Sometimes, what feels like a retreat is really the smartest thing you can do. It gives you time to regroup and catch them on the upswing.

1. Tour.

2. Play those day-long festivals that are popular.

3. Hang out with the other bands playing the day-long festivals.

4. Find someone in charge who can cough up a grill and some dogs, burgers, and bird. (Bodacious Sauce is a plus but not a requirement) And beer. Don’t forget the beer. That is a requirement.

5. Jam with the cooler members of the bands playing the day-long festivals.

6. Learn the music of the cooler bands.

7. Wear the t-shirts of the cooler bands during the ShapeShifter set. Pimp the
bands from the stage.

8. Storm the stage when said cooler bands are on.

9. Invite them to do the same.

10. When boredom sets in, swap out band members without telling the crowd what’s happening. Make like it’s normal for Howard the Hammer to play in Bitterness.

11. When crowd starts to expect that, stop doing it.

12. Throw new songs — written during the above-mentioned jam sessions — into the concert set. Watch crowd react.

13. Lather, rinse, repeat until fall and time to head into the studio to record a new album.

By the way, that’s not ShapeShifter in the header picture; please don’t confuse my fictional band for a real one!

1. Mold that even Sonya Voss can’t remove during her periodic cleaning sessions.

2. an empty pack of cigarettes

3. overflowing ashtrays

4. a beer or two in the fridge for company

5. ketchup for take-out fries

6. A mountain of napkins from take-out places including Big Buck’s Best Barbecue, Harry’s Hoagies, and the ice cream stand on the way to Daniel’s house and the band’s practice space.

7. matchbooks from the bar below his apartment, Moon Shadows, and All Access.

8. Hostess Cupcakes

9. empty pizza boxes, one of which contains a really old, half-finished piece of pizza. Trevor had considered auctioning it off at a show, but Mitchell refused. It’s been here so long, it’s like a mascot.

10. A backup carburetor for the Vincent that he built himself and may or may not blow up if he tries to use it.

11. A jar of chunky peanut butter with a knife sticking out of it. The knife makes it easier to grab a mouthful on the way out the door.

12. Rolling papers

13. Coupons to Lyric‘s shop.