1. If you’re Trevor, you’re too tired to chase girls under their boyfriends’ noses.

2. If you’re Mitchell, you don’t feel like making music.

3. If you’re Eric, you go through so many tissues, your nose turns red and scaly.

4. If you’re Kerri, you pick up a pencil, make a few lines on a sketch pad, and put it aside in favor of a nap.

5. If you’re Trevor, everyone gets worried because you’re not eating everything in sight.

6. If you’re Pam, you plaster a smile on your face and teach your aerobics class anyway. When you get home is when you can give in.

7. If you’re Mitchell, you drink so many gallons of orange juice, you burp pulp.

8. If you’re Chelle, you quietly stay in bed.

9. If you’re Daniel, you whine at Val until she comes to take care of you.

10. If you’re Trevor, you find some quiet girl who’s the mothering type to smother you with attention for an hour or two. Then you get tired of her and ask her
to leave so you can take a nap. When you wake up, you’re glad she’s gone and that your pants never got unzipped.

11. If you’re Kerri, you hide as much of your misery as possible from Mitchell, or else he’ll freak out and call Amy every ten minutes for unneeded medical advice.

12. If you’re Val, you take Zicam and medicated cough drops at the first hint of a cold because you can’t be slowed down.

13. If you’re me, you sulk ’cause you hate being too foggy to write.

2. Another pair, just in case something happens to the first.

3. A warm-up jacket for the days when one room is warm, the hallway’s cold, and the side of the stage is something else entirely.

4. A stack of sketch pads and a bunch of pencils — and a hand-held pencil sharpener that can be slid into a jeans pocket and yanked out when needed.

5. Jeans, jeans, and more jeans.

6. Sweats, just in case.

7. Extra toothbrushes, because they have a habit of staying behind in hotels.

8. Tank tops and athletic shorts to sleep in/lounge around the bus in during the warmer months.

9. A little black dress, hose, and heels

10. a bathing suit because she married, as Trevor likes to say, a fish.

11. The makeup kit from her days with the drag queens, for use on whoever falls asleep at the party first.

12. Old hair ribbons, to sneak up on Trevor and tie into his waist-length hair

13. Sharpies, of course. Everyone on the road needs Sharpies.

1. His grandmother bought him a drum set to make him feel better about the divorce and having to live with her.

2. The pots and pans called to him, but not to cook.

3. Val thinks it’s the sexiest instrument there is.

4. His sense of rhythm is impeccable.

5. He likes to beat on things.

6. Drumming beats fidgeting, which he does anyway when not playing.

7. You look cool when you casually twirl a stick through your fingers.

8. You look even cooler when you learn how to bounce a stick off the sidewalk and catch it without missing a step.

9. Sticks thrown into the crowd go further than guitar picks.

10. Drumming can be loud as hell or soft as a whisper

11. The variety of sticks, drums, and cymbals is just darn cool.

12. Girls throw themselves at you because they want to experience your rhythm.

13. All sorts of bands need good drummers. From marching bands and orchestras at school to jazz bands and oldies bands and the ultimate prize: rock bands. Drummers are always in demand.

1. Roadie Poet. He only appears for Rhian‘s Poetry Train.

2. Outtakes. If you think Thirteens are fun, you should see what happens when we throw some narration into the mix!

3. Awards. I get lots of them. I pass lots of them along.

4. Susan returns all visits. If you’re a regular, she may not comment each time you’re here. But if you’re not, dropping by to say hi is a good way to get a return visit. And we all know how stat counters like return visits!

5. Chelle LaFleur. She’ll appear whenever she’s got something to say; not even I know when that’ll be.

6. You get to meet groupies who are more die-hard than you are. Come on. Are you really going to let someone tell you they’re more die-hard than you are???

7. Trevor and more Trevor. (the second link will take you to one of Trevor’s first appearances on the blog)

8. Guest appearances by the Tour Manager.

9. You won’t feel lost during events like Green Hair Week, the Soy Sauce Story, or Deadly Metal Hatchet because the back story happened during the week.

10. You’ll get to know all these crazy folk who inhabit my fictional world. Before you know it, you’ll be hooked and sporting a cool “I’m a West of Mars Groupie” graphic of your own.

11. I know neat people. Hang here and you can meet them, too.

12. Because of the inspiration you guys give me, my fictional world keeps growing. You want to be part of that. You know you do.

13. Did I mention that Trevor Wolff dude?

(picture by Jeff Myers via Roadie.net)

1. Amy London — Mitchell’s older sister, who calls him Pipsqueak and actually gets away with it. She is a doctor, lives in Riverview, and is married to a man Mitchell not-so-affectionately calls Derek the Dork. Note from Susan: the Pipsqueak link takes you to the end of a five-day arc. If you have the time, it’s worth starting at the beginning.

2. Graciella — The drag queen who saves Kerri from the evil clutches of the guy with the guitar in the train station. She becomes Kerri’s mentor, protector, and good friend. There is, of course, a kicker here: Graciella’s given name is George and she’s a he who looks and feels better in a dress.

3. Pam — A groupie who you’ll see here on the blog occasionally. She’s in love with Mitchell and basically uses Trevor to get to him. As if any of them care — well, Mitchell does once he meets Kerri. Note from Susan: Stay tuned. I haven’t posted that most important outtake yet!! I could have sworn I had!

4. Lyric — Another of my characters who shows up here on occasion. Lyric owns the adult toy store in town but isn’t the wild woman you’d expect from the daughter of a porn star.

5. Sonya and Patterson Voss — Mitchell’s parents. They also show up here from time to time. They are the rudders who keep the ShapeShifter ship afloat.

6. Boomer — the 6 to 10 DJ at KRVR, as well as the host of the station’s Local View radio station, which features up-and-coming Riverview bands, all of whom want to be the next ShapeShifter.

7. Deadly Metal Hatchet — A bar band with a gimmick to die for. Literally.

8. Bobby, Cookie, Creek, and Chuck — the techs for Mitchell, Trevor, Daniel, and Eric, respectively. These are the men who are responsible for making sure the individuals in the band always sound good, are always in tune, and always have the right guitars or intact drum heads. Being a tech’s not glamorous work, but it’s steady employment — when the band is active.

9. Roberta — the band’s wardrobe manager. Wardrobe managers are more important than you might think.

10. Tony, Gene, and Bubba, Butch, or whatever his name is — Part of the band’s security team. Tony is the head of the detail, and Mitchell’s personal bodyguard. Gene takes charge of Kerri’s safety, and provides general security for the band when she’s not around or not in need of him. And Bubba, Butch, or whatever his name is does his best to keep a watchful eye on Trevor.

11. Hank — Trevor’s father.

12. Mary — Kerri’s mother. As with Hank, the less said, the better.

13. Tiny Tim — the owner of independent radio station KRVR. He’s a player in Riverview, and he and Mitchell hate each other.

It all started when Trevor brought a new addition to the ShapeShifter Wall of Fame last week. He brought up the idea of showing you public what the Wall looks like. The Wall was originally Mitchell‘s idea, so he thought he should get to show you around. But the tour was Trevor’s idea.

While the two of them are busy arguing over who gets to share their stories, Eric‘s going to step up and fill the void. Thus…

2. We didn’t come by this one honestly, I’m afraid. We were in Vegas and Daniel dared Trevor to sneak into some showgirl’s dressing room and make off with part of her costume. Trevor can’t turn down a dare of this sort, but he didn’t sneak. He picked a girl who was so gorgeous, my eyes hurt to look at her. When Trevor came back out of the dressing room, he said she gave it to him. Given the look she gave him when she kissed him goodbye, I don’t doubt it.

3. I can’t say anything without upsetting Daniel, but I don’t believe this should be on the Wall of Fame. It’s apparently Val’s.

4. This bra belonged to a girl I dated for about a month. I met her in Seattle at a show and at first, she followed us in her own car. Three weeks later, she convinced a friend to drive the car home so she could stay on the bus with me. She only lasted on the bus with us for a week before she couldn’t take it. We didn’t stay in touch, but it wasn’t for lack of effort on my end.

5, 6, 7. These belonged to this set of triplets who got past security. We were very glad they did.

8. Ever notice how gorgeous a basic white bra looks against darker skin? The contrast is amazing. I’m not talking about a girl with a fake tan that rubs off onto the cotton, either. The next time you see that white bra against a deeply colored skin, stop and appreciate.

9. Those Texas girls… We love them.

10. We’ve known the girl behind this bra for years. She shows up whenever we’re in Minneapolis and the surrounding area, depending on how free her schedule is. Karina loves to travel, so we shouldn’t have been surprised when she caught up with us in Paris. The best thing about Karina: she’s always wearing this bra. Well, not this particular one. But this exact style. We’ve got like twenty of them laying around. Mitchell keeps asking us what would happen if we gave the other nineteen back. Trevor says once we start that game, it’ll never end. We’ll wind up passing the same bra back and forth between us.

He’s probably right.

11. I always thought there was something virginal about this bra (and notice how the white stands out against that gorgeous skin of hers). And then I met the woman inside it. I was right.

12. Trevor has a thing for demi-bras, especially when the girls are overflowing them slightly. You want to see that boy drool? Show up in one of these. I picked this one as an example because I really like the color.

13. Trevor brought us this one just last week. Something about it being left behind when he was hanging with some cool folk who tell stories in 100 words or less and the owner maybe asking Susan for it back, but we were all supposed to play dumb and … oh, shoot. Susan’s going to read this, isn’t she?

Umm. Well, then. Let me tell you the real story behind it. It’s been here for years and we have no idea who Rhian is. Really.

I’m a novelist. We all know this about me, and it’s part of the reason why you love me. But… that also means that my Thursday Thirteens can get long.

Not today.

1. Platinum
2. Sell-out (as in: tickets)
3. Tour
4. royalties
5. Interview
6. girls
7. Headliner
8. dinner
9. guitars
10. singles
11. awards
12. beer
13. sleep

Be sure to check out Robin and Milan this week — there’s more ShapeShifter! (hover over Milan’s West of Mars graphic!)

2. Mitchell: Hold on a second. You see, when someone loves you, all they want to do is please you.
Trevor: And please us they do. (He folds his arms over his chest and nods once. Firmly.)

3. Mitchell: For them, it’s all about giving pleasure. All we need to do is sit back and take it.

4. Trevor: You greedy, lying bastard. You get off on showering these girls with attention just as much as I do. Watching them start to drool ’cause you’re looking at them and then they hold their breaths, hoping you’re about to give ’em that invite they want so bad… (He takes a deep breath through his nose, his eyes closed in satisfaction.) Yeah, that’s the best.

5. Mitchell: Here’s the thing with groupies. We do make fun of them when they can’t hear, but you’re not a real band until you’ve got ’em. We know that. We love them for it.
Trevor: We make fun of them when they’re not around?
(Mitchell cuffs the back of Trevor’s head.)

6. Mitchell: They’re important people in the world of a band. The smart (he gives Trevor a sidelong glance) guys know this. The groupies who are cool or extra-special, if you know what I mean, those are the girls we’ll tell the crew to keep an eye out for.
Trevor: Sort of like that Lana chick. The whole crew knows Lana. They watch out for her. Help her past venue security, give her passes without the usual payment, make sure she gets fed.
Mitchell: I heard Cookie once slipped food out of the crew’s catering for her.
Trevor: Wouldn’t surprise me. Cookie knows who he works for.
Mitchell: The band?
Trevor: Me, you dumbfuck.

7. Mitchell: These groupies, the devoted ones, they’ll say they work for us. That they’re as essential to us as people like Cookie are.
Trevor: They’re wrong. They’re in it for themselves. To get close to us. Cookie’s around to be my bass tech.
Mitchell: Might want to tell him that. I know he likes your rejects.

8. Trevor: How’d we get on to this? We started off saying that these girls are all about pleasing us.
Mitchell: They are.
Trevor: But now you’re saying they’re all about getting close to us.
Mitchell: Nope. You said that. Not me.
Trevor: Same fucking thing.
(Mitchell gives him a confused look)

9. Trevor: Are we done with the groupies yet? I’m bored.
Mitchell: Nope. We have four more points to make.
Trevor: Why not get Adam and his camera in here and let him do a picture thing?
Mitchell: Because this guy’s here to talk to us. Talk, Trev. Not look at pictures.
Trevor: Pictures are more interesting. I’m done talking.
(Trevor wanders off)

10. Mitchell: So I guess we’re back to just me, huh? Shit. Maybe Trevor’s right and we have said it all.

11. Mitchell: Nope, never taken pictures of the girls I’ve been with just so I can remember them later. That’s probably a good thing. Now that I’m married, I’d have to burn them all.

12. Mitchell: Nope, not going to write some tell-all book and spill it all. What happened back in my single days needs to stay there, and not just because Kerri doesn’t want to hear it.

13. Mitchell: Yes, girls do still grab my dick and slip me some tongue and do everything else they can think of to get me to take them over my wife. Not a single one of them’s gotten anything but an escort out of the room, though. I don’t care how great they are, Kerri’s better. I guess that means my groupie days are done.

1. You check the blog repeatedly throughout the day for updates, even though you get the feed.

2. You call radio stations and ask them to play ShapeShifter’s Still Life or Behold Me.

3. You try to book your vacation to Riverview, USA.

4. You bug Susan for West of Mars and ShapeShifter merchandise, and then you buy lots of it once she coughs it up.

5. You have dreams in which you get to meet Mitchell Voss or Trevor Wolff.

6. You want to go to Riverview Art Academy, like Kerri did.

7. To prove you’re worthy of Riverview Art Academy, you submit art to Susan (who will post any fan art on her website and talk to you about using some for t-shirts if she likes your stuff!)

8. You ask your local guitar shop to outfit you with the same gear that ShapeShifter uses.

9. You spend hours Googling in search of ShapeShifter tabs.

10. You write fan fiction, which Susan gladly posts on her website.

11. You make all your friends stop by ’cause this is something they just can’t miss out on.

12. You e-mail Susan and offer suggestions for outtakes.

13. You e-mail Susan and suggest real things that she ought to check out and incorporate into the fictional world of Riverview USA.

1. Trevor: You know, more and more people are getting this place of ours. I like it.
Mitchell: It’s like a band. You start small and get a few fanatics who’ll be with you through pretty much anything. They help you get the word out and before you know it, the ink’s drying on the deal.

2. Trevor: Except there is no deal for Susan.
Eric: It’s a matter of time.
Mitchell: Yeah. People can only ignore things for so long, and then they wake up one morning and decide that no matter much it doesn’t fit into their neat little world, they can’t ignore it. Power of the people and all that.
Daniel: I wish there was something more we could do to help out. I mean, this isn’t just about Susan. It’s about us, too.

3. Trevor: It’s about me, you mean.
Daniel: No, it’s about all of us.
Trevor: The book’s called Trevor’s Song. TREVOR. That’s me.

4. Mitchell: But the blog’s about all four of us.
Eric: And some bonus friends.
Trevor: Bonus friends?
Eric: I wouldn’t say it like that around Mitchell. One of them’s Kerri.
Trevor: Like I’d touch that woman if you paid me to.

5. Daniel: The book may be about you. Mostly. But the blog’s about all of us.
Mitchell: And the award was for the blog, not the book. See the difference?

6. Trevor: Like I know? I’m a bass player, for fuck’s sake, not a writer.
Mitchell: Figures. Can’t put up when we need you to.
Trevor opens his mouth to answer, but Mitchell interrupts.

7. Mitchell: The book’s done. The blog’s got some fans. Why aren’t there more?
Eric: Exactly! Look at the gold mine here that no one’s tapping.
Trevor: Mines cave in. Checked the news lately, Drummer boy? Does the state of Utah ring any bells?
Eric: Those poor people. Their poor families.
Trevor: You gonna pray for them?
Eric: I know you’ll never admit it, but you are.
Trevor rolls his eyes but doesn’t answer.

8. Mitchell: So far, Susan’s been given three Thinking Blogger Awards, Three Rockin’ Chick/Wench blogger awards, a Schmoozing Blogger award —
Trevor: Think Susan’ll ever publish that post she wrote about it?
Eric: In time, Trevor. Everything comes in time.

9. Daniel: Including a book deal for Susan?
Eric: We can hope.

10. Mitchell: I just don’t get it.
Daniel: Get what?
Mitchell: Why more people aren’t jumping on this train.
Trevor: Trains wreck.

11. Daniel: Books aren’t like demo tapes, that you can put out and circulate around and watch your popularity grow.
Trevor: Why not?
Eric: Books cost more to print. And we have this blog. Maybe we should be pushing it and let the book follow.
Trevor: The book has to follow. The blog’s already here.
Eric: So we need to build the buzz higher and louder.
Daniel: How?

12. Trevor: More of me, of course.
Daniel: Less is more.
Trevor: Not when we’re talking about Trevor Fucking Wolff, it’s not.
Mitchell: We’re supposed to be talking about Susan’s awards.

13. Trevor: Why? I’m way more fun to talk about. That’s why the focus of Susan’s blog isn’t Susan. It’s me.
Daniel: It’s all of us.
Trevor: You know, you sound like a broken record.
Eric: There’s a lot to be learned from broken records, Trev.

1. They are surprisingly different — from the stereotypes and from each other.

2. A number of them are intelligent and/or highly successful in careers you might not expect right off the bat.

3. Many of them listen to a large variety of music — not only hard rock, metal, or whatever you’d like to call it this week.

4. The die-hards are as devoted to ShapeShifter as a pit bull is to its master.

5. Many of them feel that they don’t fit in anywhere but here.

6. Many of them come from abusive or otherwise hurt backgrounds.

7. Not all the girls come around because the ShapeShifter guys are cute. Some of them are into the music, plain and simple.

8. They’re not defined by their physical appearance (refer to last week’s list to see what I mean).

9. Many of them draw their inner strength from the music. The tales of how and when they did this make for frequent backstage appearance stories.

10. Many of them feel that Mitchell‘s lyrics were written just for them. They wonder how he got it so right.

11. Many will go into debt and/or bankrupt themselves in order to see ShapeShifter perform all over the world. What an excuse to travel!

12. Many of them feel instant affinities toward each other, as though they are fellow members of an otherwise secret club. Relationships are forged, weddings are celebrated all because of ShapeShifter.

13. Mitchell, Daniel, Trevor, and Eric are popular names for the children of ShapeShifter fans. Go figure.

1. (the boys) Long-haired (but not necessarily dirty)

2. denim-jacket wearing

3. super tight jeans

4. dirty white basketball shoes that are perpetually unlaced

5. stoned and/or drunk

6. entranced by themes of skulls, death, and dying

7. (the girls): hot, horny, and willing

8. short, tight skirts

9. Hair not necessarily big (that’s too glam for ShapeShifter) but long and mane-like

10. bitchy to each other

11. (all): smokers

12. dysfunctional, anti-social, depressed

13. not real smart

1. Lots of hearts. Deadly Metal Hatchet’s not quite the love-song type.

2. A lung (stop back for more about this!)

3. A full stomach, with contents in full detail, some of which a perceptive fan can make out but the rest of which make for unending discussion in fandom

4. A leg

5. In the breast of an otherwise curvy, attractive blonde whose come-hither face has been replaced by a scream of horror

6. Sticking out of the head of lead guitarist Fozzy, who is the only known survivor of a Hatchet attack.

7. Right smack in the middle of Scott’s bass drum.

8. A tour case. Rumor has it that the band has put the names of bands they don’t overly like on this case, but the truth is that the Hatchet went after one of its own band’s cases.

9. A beer keg. All involved agreed it was a terrible waste.

10. The driver of the band’s tour bus. This was actually a bit of an inside joke, as they had this driver who almost deserved his date with the Hatchet. He should have been in the Book of World Records for his complaining habit.

11. What appeared to be a CD put out by a boy band. Or a vanilla, generic girl who gyrated more than sang. Or both.

12. The logo for Treble TV, the hot music video channel that refused to play DMH videos.

13. A cover of Rolling Stone magazine. And this was before the magazine’s reviewers panned the DMH’s first three releases.

1. Lyric is the eldest daughter of Melody Maker, porn queen extraordinaire. Her fraternal twin sister, Allegra, is four minutes younger. Youngest sister Harmony is four years younger.

2. Melody has no idea which of a few candidates fathered her three children. For all anyone knows, there were three fathers. Or maybe only one. The one thing we’re all sure of is that men WERE involved. Frequently.

3. Lyric, Allegra, and Harmony were all raised around the porn industry. Pregnancy didn’t stop Melody from making films. For awhile. Then she moved behind the camera, into consulting on wardrobe, makeup, and other details. In front or behind the camera, Melody was savvy enough to make sure any movie she was involved with said “A Melody Maker Movie” on the front cover.

4. Lyric and Allegra decided in their teens that they didn’t want to be part of adult films. Allegra had no clear plans, but Lyric decided to go to massage therapy school. She figured that at first, she could trade on her famous name to build her clientele, but she’d earn their return business.

5. As a massage student, fresh out of high school, Lyric needed someone to practice on. Melody liked to turn the scene into a film, Allegra was out trying to find a place where she fit in, and Harmony at fourteen was just too young. It was Melody who suggested Lyric find a guy in band, especially since Lyric liked music so much.

6. ShapeShifter was on the verge of taking the city by storm, and Lyric smelled opportunity. Linking to them early would help solidify her reputation as a real massage therapist. After all, any girls who were allowed inside ShapeShifter’s inner circle for any length of time were either girlfriends or girls who refused to put out but were valuable in other ways. Lyric was, of course, the latter.

7. Lyric picked Mitchell because he was the quietest ShapeShifter member. Someone as shy as Mitchell wasn’t likely to turn a massage into something sexual, and since he barely spoke, he wasn’t likely to brag about their deal: free massages in exchange for a spot on the band’s guest list. And the occasional ShapeShifter t-shirt. As she got to know him, she was surprised to find she’d developed a loyal friend.

8. Massage was great, but Allegra was still lost and Melody was finally making noises about being done with films. It was Lyric to the rescue.

9. With input from Melody and a silent business partner who became her landlord, Lyric opened a retail shop, Lyrical Pleasures. Allegra had a job, and so did Melody whenever she wanted it. Harmony too, once she was old enough.

10. Lyrical Pleasures quickly became THE place in Riverview. And for good reason: Lyric stocks everything from exclusive and limited-quantity club wear, outfits for strippers and drag queens — including wigs, shoes, and anything else they wanted — to lingerie and sleepwear, videos, and, of course, gear and toys for consenting partners. You can be as demure or as naughty as you want at Lyrical Pleasures. She even sells such innocuous things as the most luxurious bath beads she can find.

11. Because of the store and her reputation for discretion, Lyric knows pretty much everything happening in Riverview, from the underground to the top governmental figures and the people who really run the city.

12. Lyric and Kerri have a lot in common. In fact, once the two women meet (thanks to Mitchell, of course, when Kerri complains that Mitchell’s reputation as a kinky bastard is overblown), they become fast friends, having Mitchell and ShapeShifter in common, as well as drag queen pageants. Lyric knew Kerri’s name long before they met, as Kerri did the makeup for many of her queen friends in her pre-Mitchell days.

13. What’s the deal with Trevor and Lyric? She’s not one of his conquests, much to his chagrin, although truth be told, he doesn’t try very hard. Her reputation as straight-laced and not overly interested in those sorts of relationships precedes her, and that’s how she likes it.

Mitchell takes a lot of guff from Trevor. And for Trevor, for that matter. It’s an odd friendship they have and most would say it’s crossed the line from friendship into brotherhood. Here’s some of the things they do for each other.

1. When Trevor would crash on Mitchell’s bedroom floor after being beat up by Hank, Mitchell would never step on Trevor, even as a joke or while half-asleep. Seems simple, but think about it.

2. When the kids at school would make fun of Trevor’s constant bloody, unwashed appearance (at least until Patterson Voss threw him in the shower), Mitchell would stand up for him. This was important because as Trevor hid out at Mitchell’s house and the beatings stopped, the other kids finally realized that Trevor wasn’t a fuck-up at all but was actually pretty cool.

3. Speaking of cool, Trevor made Mitchell cool. Period. Talked him into growing his hair out and piercing his ear. Taught him how to smoke, get stoned, and get girls. And what to do with the girls once he had them.

4. It’s well-known that Trevor’s a lousy bass player. Yet he sounds awfully good on album. An excerpt from an article on the subject: Voss fixes the room with one of those stares that makes your mouth go dry. “Trevor plays his own parts.” No one has the saliva left to ask about the things he’s leaving unsaid.

5. Mitchell makes sure that anyone who rags on Trevor’s lack of musical talent knows that he’s the creative force behind the band.

6. Trevor pretends he doesn’t know where Mitchell disappears to during the nights when they’re recording. Or why all of a sudden, the next morning, the parts he recorded the day before sound so much better.

7. Before he gets too drunk at parties, Mitchell will drink the beer that Trevor’s holding before it gets warm and flat. This works because no one pays that much attention and everyone assumes Trevor’s actually drinking. And Mitchell gets blasted twice as fast.

8. When Trevor gets too cheeky, full of himself, or just plain annoying, Mitchell puts him back in his place.

9. Trevor gets too cheeky, full of himself, or just plain annoying so that Mitchell can beat him up and feel good about how manly he is. Or thinks he is.

10. When Trevor decided that running the band’s business was cutting into his woman chasing and other rock star duties, Mitchell stepped in and took over. After having watched Trevor for more than a year, he had an idea of what to do.

11. One night during the early, pre-crew days when Mitchell had a cold, Trevor set up his equipment for him. He chased off Eric and Daniel when they tried to help, and then blamed the set-up on some over-eager fan who’d conveniently disappeared.

12. Mitchell’s lost count of the number of irate husbands/boyfriends/fathers who’ve come in search of Trevor. The number who found him is only a handful; one growl from Mitchell and anyone with a brain runs the other way. The handful wasn’t lacking a brain, per se. They merely got lucky and found Trevor … at an exposed moment.

13. And then there’s that whole thing near the end of Trevor’s Song that involves a bed. This is what it means to be a friend.

2. Tour of Riverview
I still refer back to this one a lot, but that’s because it’s an important one! Not as funny as most, but important nonetheless.

3. Mitchell and Kerri’s Farm house
Many of you guys responded to this one. I’m not sure why, unless you really dug the fact that these rock stars live as normally as the rest of us.

4. Trevor’s Kitchen
‘Nuff said.

5. Halloween.
I think many, if not most of you, came on board after this inaugural Thirteen was posted. You’re missing a good one.

6. Loving and Hating the Holidays

Some good, some bad, a lot of fun…

7. The Special Hanukkah Edition

The ladies of Riverview rip it up.

8. The Balancing Meme
The guys show why ShapeShifter rules the Earth. Or at least a journalist or two.

9. Mitchell’s Desk
Many of you connected to this one. It’s a spot whose mental image is particularly clear to me.

10. Valentine’s Day
The boys get their say.

11. The Aftermath of the Earring Debacle
I know the picture wasn’t great, but couldn’t you ooh and ahh over my earrings?

12. St. Patrick’s Day Adventures

Boys…

And lastly…
13. Mabel
How can you resist a guitar with this sort of history?

Hey, wait one fucking minute here. Susan wouldn’t have come up with this blog if it hadn’t been for me. This fucked-up thing she’s doing needs to center around me. Trevor Fucking Wolff. (And if that’s not enough to save her from the shame of not being an R-rated blog, I’ll call my dealer and have him come liven the party up some.)

Without further ado (I’ve always wanted to say that), here’s a list all about me and that day in November.

1. Trevor Fucking Wolff was born. Are you dumb enough to believe that anything else important happened?

2. Other shit happened on that day, too. Like the day when Pam came up to Rusty and told her that Mitchell would like her better if Rusty wore a push-up bra. I knew I’d have trouble hating Rusty properly when she kept calm and said, “Why mess with perfection?”

3. Then there was the night the band played this show and Walter Cicewski jumped up on stage. Turns out he and Mitchell were buddies. The big idiot never bothered to tell any of us he’d buddied up to someone like Chi-Chev.

4. It was the first time I bought anything from Lyric‘s shop. Mitchell told me to. Like I listen to that dork; I was going to before he told me to.

5. The band landed in Japan for the first time. Two days later, I ran up a sushi bill I couldn’t pay. Remind me to tell you that one.

6. On my nineteenth birthday, Harry’s Hoagies went back to using the good meatballs. They’d been using this piss-poor recipe before that and if you ate them, you’d have the runs for two days. Three if you were lucky.

7. Chelle LaFleur claims it’s the day she said, “You heard it first, and you heard it here. Fat chicks with dark skin do like metal! You sit down and watch ’cause I’ll prove it.” I’ll be damned, but she’s doing just that.

8. It was somewhere around my birthday that I hooked up with Amy and started my whole thing with the Voss family.

9. Boomer, the KRVR DJ, played ShapeShifter for the first time. It was our demo, but that didn’t matter. It was ShapeShifter. On the radio. On my birthday. I thought life didn’t get any better than that. Fuck, I was a fool.

10. Mama Voss actually fed me turkey on Thanksgiving. Okay, that wasn’t on my real birthday ’cause Hank knocked eight of my teeth loose the day before when I asked for a day without him drinking, but Sonya put together a holiday dinner once I could eat solids again.

11. I got stoned with Daniel and Eric for the first time. I don’t think Eric had ever gotten stoned before. He liked it.

12. Other famous birthdays: Who fucking cares? It’s all about Trevor Wolff.

13. Famous people who died on my birthday: Like I care? Life goes on with or without you. So long as it’s going on with me, nothing else matters.

So my stresses of the past few weeks haven’t been totally resolved (although I managed the bun quite nicely for the dress rehearsal. Now, on to the recital!) and won’t be until Friday, at the earliest.

Yet for whatever reason, my stress levels have dropped and the muse has returned.

If you were here on Monday for Rhian‘s Poetry Train, you read this outtake. If you haven’t read it yet, please make time for it; it’s now one of my all-time favorites, with Death By Cheese and Green Hair Week.

At any rate, this week’s Thirteen springs from that outtake. Poor Mitchell and his newly-pierced ears…

Thirteen things Mitchell did Upon Coming To

1. Put a hand up to his ear to find out why it was throbbing.

2. Felt three earrings instead of the expected one.

3. Peeled himself off the bed where Trevor had put him when he passed out and staggered over to his mirror for a better look.

4. Puked all over the mirror and his dresser.

5. Panicked at this latest mess.

6. Proclaimed it was Trevor’s to clean up. All of it.

7. Found Trevor smoking out on the back patio. Beat him almost as senseless as Hank used to, only without the psychological torture thrown in.

8. Supervised Trevor’s clean up of mess in bedroom, including bloody sheets from the passed-out piercing.

9. Spent four days hiding his ears from everyone. Considered gelling his hair into place in front of his ears (both, to reduce suspicion) but the gel turned his hair an ugly shade of grey.

10. Blackmailed Amy into keeping quiet when she discovered Trevor’s handiwork. (Bribes had a bad tendency to get ignored after a few days.)

11. Went shopping with Amy for new earrings to wear as soon as the lame-assed starter earrings could come out. Amy bought him the famed winged dragon that a fan took out of his ear with her teeth while video cameras were rolling. Bitch kept it, too. That clip made it into the band’s first behind-the-scenes video, Take the (Back)Stage.

12. Beat Trevor up again ’cause three earrings cost way more than one, and require some finesse to pull off properly — or so says Amy, who knows more about fashion. Or did, back in those early days, before Mitchell hired stylists and Amy spent her days in long white lab coats.

13. Finally came clean to Sonya and Patterson when they were healed and not about to close when Patterson insisted they come out. Unfortunately for all the trouble Mitchell went through, they didn’t care. Mitchell suspected Amy squealed and what they cared most about was his coming clean about what Trevor had done to him. No comment was ever made by either parent about the earrings, although Sonya would buy him some from time to time if she saw some she thought he’d like.

Don’t forget to check out the Hidden Treasures Summer Reading Contest! And in case you’ve been living under a rock, voting is still open for the Blogger’s Choice Awards. Go make me number one, will ya?

Unfortunately, the twin stresses that prompted last week’s Thursday Thirteen haven’t been resolved (Mom, I love you, but you said some very hurtful things at a time when the focus should have been on #2’s school dilemma, not either of us), and now there’s more!

1. I caught #1’s cold and it’s doing its best to turn into bronchitis.

2. I’ve been tagged for a meme by Lori.
3. I’ve been tagged for a meme by Red.
4. I’ve been tagged for a meme by Thomma Lyn.
5. I’ve been tagged for a meme by Wylie.

6. Plus, Aline and L^2 have also tagged me in the past, and I’ve had to let those balls drop.

7. #2 has her first dance recital next week. I am not nearly so silly as you think because I’m stressed over having to put her hair into a bun.

8. #1 is home from school and all he wants to do is play with friends. And play with friends. And play with friends. I don’t mind being his chauffeur (so long as he doesn’t call me Jeeves), but it’d be nice if some of these friends were home to play with!

9. I’m tickled pink by everyone’s responses to my story poem (scroll down if you missed it). I can’t decide if I’m glad no one wanted me to tell them more about our nameless roadie, though. Eventually, I’d like to do a book about a roadie.

10. The way you guys reacted to last week’s Thursday Thirteen touched me. Not just because you caught on that I’m stressed, but because you love Trevor so much. It just makes me all the more eager to bring you Trevor’s Song. I hope you’ll stick with me and help me build my fan base as we progress through this process called publication.

11. The summer reading contest is coming. Can you feel it? Are you one of the many people who’ve stuffed my inbox with prizes and suggestions, only to not get a response? Apologies for that. I’ve been so focused on #2’s school dilemma that I’ve answered only the barest of mails.

12. I’m not ready to launch the Summer Reading Contest and dammit, I want to be. You guys are going to dig it; it’ll be the same format as Debut a Debut, only with some improvements. Fortunately, Erica at Writing Aspirations is on board with me again. And Karen at Morsie Reads. And hopefully lots of you guys, too. Yes, if the criteria fits, you can overlap this contest with any of your other reading challenges or contests. I’m easy like that!

13. I really want to spend time with Trevor and company. As you guys have noticed, I love my characters. I wish I had more, more, more time to write (I know, don’t we all?), but what struck me last night was that one of my least favorite solutions to #2’s school dilemma is sending her to a program that would give me more time to write. Can YOU figure that one out without invoking the phrase, “You’re putting your daughter first, you good mom, you!”???

And edited to add a bonus: it seems that the Tour Manager found this week’s header picture… in the home of our own TTer Babe King. Be sure to tell her you saw her here and to thank her for the picture — and be sure to get her new release from Freya’s Bower this month, too!!!

1. Why get so bent out of shape about something that’s not true? Or is there a raw nerve in all those lies?
2. You can’t accomplish shit if you’re all worked up. Go chug some Pepto so you don’t puke, get some sleep, and chill out.
3. No, it may NOT work out. But that’s how life is. Deal.
4. Mitchell’s mom says fighting for someone who can’t fight for themselves is noble. I think it’s just the way it’s gotta be.
5. You gotta stop and think about what’s hurting her the most, and fix that first. The rest’ll happen on its own.
6. Most people are jerks. That’s why the world needs people like me — to balance out the jerks.
7. What do you mean I’M a jerk? Been talking to Mitchell or something?
8. Yeah, it hurts like a motherfucker when you break a bone, but it’s nothing compared to when a family member breaks your heart.
9. It takes this sort of shit for you to know what you’re made of. Once you figure that out, all the rest’s a breeze.
10. Sometimes, facing down the shit’s the hardest thing you can do. But if it’s gotta get done, it’s gotta get done, so suck it up and figure out how to make it happen.
11. Quitcher bitching, stop stressing, and get it done already.
12. Don’t forget what you’re fighting for.
13. Sometimes, what feels like a retreat is really the smartest thing you can do. It gives you time to regroup and catch them on the upswing.