DMH Fiction: Somewhere


“Where are we?” Scott asked, looking over Fozzy’s shoulder. He pushed up his glasses even though they didn’t need it.

Fozzy shrugged. “Somewhere.”

“Is that somewhere near where we’re supposed to be?”

Fozzy shrugged. “It’s somewhere in the mountains. Are we supposed to be in the mountains?”

Lido handed Scott the map. “Are there mountains in Texas?”

“No,” Scott said, wanting to grab handfuls of hair and tug until his scalp hurt. He wanted The Hatchet to come out of its blankets and chop down the mountains and get them to Texas. “We have a problem. We need to be in Texas in an hour.”

“This isn’t Texas,” Fozzy said.

“No shit, Sherlock,” Lido said. “I told you to take that right.”

“We have an hour before we have to load in, and we’re staring at the frickin mountains!” Scott leaned back in the seat and kicked, hoping he caught Fozzy in the butt. Idiot. How many times had he said, “Go East. Due East. We’re in Arizona, so there’s no way we can miss Texas”? How frickin dumb was the guy, and who the hell had stuffed him in the back seat where he wouldn’t be able to see well so he could catch this mistake earlier?

“So what do we do?” Lido asked. Scott could see the panic creeping into the guy’s eyes, hear it in his voice.

“Like I know?” Scott shot back. “If you’d followed the stupid map…” He grabbed it out of Lido’s hand and looked at it.

No wonder. Lido had been holding it upside-down.

“I guess,” Scott said, taking the deepest breath he could manage in the mountains’ thin air, “we turn around and go home. And hope like hell someone’ll hire us again once word about this gets out. You know it will.”

“There’s no way?” Fozzy asked.

“Dude, we don’t even frickin know where we are!”

“Gimme that map,” Fozzy said. Once it was in his hand, he carried it back to the trailer Lido’s dad had loaned them for the quick trip to Texas. The Hatchet was in there, sleeping.

Scott seethed while Fozzy waited for The Hatchet to do its thing. Lido hung his head, lit a cigarette, and tried to look cool.

Gecko just sat and stared at his hands, folded in his lap.

Scott wished he could be more like Gecko. Nothing bothered Gecko.

Including the confetti Fozzy brought back up to the front.

“Good work,” Scott said. “Now how do we get home?”

For every ShapeShifter in the world, there’s more than one Deadly Metal Hatchet. Hapless but well-intentioned. Talentless but with a great marketing gimmick. And hoping to make it big.

Explore more Deadly Metal Hatchet here. And be sure to leave a comment so I can return your visit, eh?

If you need a Trevor fix, there’s one I posted right below this one… Come on… you know you do!



  1. Lilibeth

    August 28, 2008 9:57 pm

    Now I’ve been to places in Texas that felt quite like that.

  2. Tempest Knight

    August 28, 2008 11:02 pm

    That sounded like my cousins alright! Hahaha!

  3. Thomma Lyn

    August 28, 2008 11:14 pm

    *snork*, Deadly Metal Hatchet is so much fun. For some reason, reading about these guys brings back memories of Beavis and Butthead. 😀

  4. bunnygirl

    August 29, 2008 1:08 am

    Well, they could’ve been in the vicinity of El Paso. The Franklin Mountains are there and the Davis Mountains aren’t too far. But yeah, it’s not hard to miss Texas if you just keep going east from Arizona on I-10. Kinda can’t miss it, in fact.BR/BR/Good work by the Hatchet, but the map wasn’t really the problem… 😉

  5. Linda Jacobs

    August 29, 2008 8:24 am

    This cracked me up! I can just see them scratching thier heads. Great writing style!

  6. gautami tripathy

    August 29, 2008 8:54 am

    So how did they get home?!BR/BR/:D

  7. anthonynorth

    August 29, 2008 10:09 am

    I can see GPS coming to that van soon – then they’ll be even more lost.


    August 29, 2008 1:13 pm

    Did they make it? I’m guessing, NO. :)BR/BR/Happy Rockin’ Friday!! 🙂

  9. Alice Audrey

    August 29, 2008 2:43 pm

    Confetti? LOL! Just when I was starting to think they’d pull a rabbit out of the hat and make the gig on time.

  10. Winter

    August 30, 2008 1:44 am

    Yeah, yeah. I know how you and Trevor are, but the Trevor link does not call me. Mitchell… well, now that’s a whole other story. 😉

  11. Lela B

    August 30, 2008 10:30 pm

    I could really relate because I have a kid in desperate need of GPS. You nailed the subject right away.Right to the point and funny!

  12. susan

    August 31, 2008 1:19 am

    This was hilarious. Love the characters’ names. Embarrassed to admit it, but I don’t get the Hatchet reference, still, I smiled and laughed. Thanks.

  13. Rambler

    August 31, 2008 9:38 am

    have never been to Texas.. 🙂

  14. Robin

    August 31, 2008 5:21 pm

    I pretty much get lost crossing the street, so I can definitely sympathize.

  15. Jennifer Hicks

    August 31, 2008 9:13 pm

    shape shifter…that’s me.BR/somewhere…is that where we “should be”?

  16. Paul

    September 2, 2008 6:05 am

    Strange your writing about this somewhere now, because I visited the very same place not long ago.

  17. TJ

    September 3, 2008 10:54 am

    Super writing style…keep at it!BR/TJBR/

  18. West of Mars » Blog Archive » DMH Fiction: Cheese
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