Last night was that night again. That night when Jews all over the world gather around a ceremonial table in comfort and luxury. They drink four cups of wine (yep, you’re supposed to get drunk! One of two Jewish holidays where this happens). They eat horseradish, among other foods, fine and foul.

And the smart ones among us choose a most unfortunate time (according to everyone else) to break into song.

Yes, boys and girls, in answer to the famed question, “Why is this night different from all other nights?” the answer is:

We all become Metallica fans.

“Now
Let my people go, land of Goshen
Go
I will be with thee, bush of fire
Blood
Running red and strong, down the Nile
Plague
Darkness three days long, hail to fire”

(Lyrics copyright 1984 by Creeping Death Music, used here entirely without permission, with the sole intent of having fun and educating the non-Metallica loving public — the poor sods — to how relevant this band is to our daily life. Legal, please be nice to me. Again. Don’t make me take these down. Have someone grant me a license to post this, okay? If I’d thought of making this post sooner than five minutes ago, I’d have asked permission beforehand. I know who to talk to, and you guys know me. I’m more harmless than gefilte fish is foul. Happy Passover.)

I was going to embed this video, but it seems I need to tinker with the code to do that, and the Tour Manager is (most likely correctly) convinced I’ll nuke the entire operation here at West of Mars if he lets me tinker with the code. So… click this link and sing along with James! Don’t forget to chant!

I’m in a mood. Sit back and have some fun with me.

1. You’ve met Soul Bendorff on these pages before. Here. And here. Only sorta here. But very definitely here.

2. Like many young men out on his own, Soul would wear socks with holes in them.

3. No big deal, right? I mean, come ON. You’ve had a favorite pair or two of socks that you haven’t been able to part with. I know you did, even if you won’t admit it.

4. But when you’re a rock legend in the making, people talk about your socks. (among other things) Especially the fact that you wear them at all. (especially when you looked as grungy as Soul did.)

5. Or that his were dark blue, worn with his dark blue Chuck Taylors.

6. Dark blue was the Soul Bendorff color.

7. But back to the socks. It was amazing that Soul wore socks. But have YOU even worn Chucks with no socks? Onstage? Under hot stage lights?

8. It was at a party one night, when Soul had wrapped each talented hand around the very cool, long neck of a bottle of booze (he never cared WHAT booze, only that it was booze), that he let some girl take off his shoes. She wanted to play with his toes, she said.

9. Now, I know you’re expecting me to say his big toe was sticking through that hole I’ve hinted at. But… you’re wrong.

10. It was his heel. Soul had narrow heels, you see. They always rubbed, no matter what shoes he wore. Socks wore out after a week, it seemed. But see above about why he didn’t just chuck the things entirely.

11. So this girl picks up Soul’s foot and finds the sock. She sticks her finger in and tickles. He’s not amused. Wants her to put his shoes on.

12. Someone hands him a fresh bottle. He forgets about the girl. He’s had enough to drink, he can’t feel his feet anyway.

13. Five years after he dies, she donates them to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Hole and all.

After reading Annette Dashofy’s great summary of the weekend, I can’t put it any better. Go see the play-by-play. See if you can recognize me.

Let me add a few things: Inspiration struck at 4AM after that first, interrupted session. Book therapy, indeed. I like the inspiration and can’t wait for the time to build on it. You guys will be in heaven.

Another random bit: Annette’s taken on the grand task of teaching Clueless here the fine art of skin care. No one else ever has, and so my gratitude to Annette is huge. I just may stop hating what I see when I look in the mirror. Might even have some professional pictures taken.

If you ever get to be on the safe side of a historic flood, I highly suggest it. Watching the water creep in and out — although at times it wasn’t exactly creeping. Racing. Devouring. Threatening. — and the water heaters, the barrels, the tree trunks (was that a bear?)…

Fascinating. Invigorating.

Coupled with the workshops designed to kick-start the creativity, it turned into a very good thing. Lots of ideas. New things, and not all in the written, book form, either.

Now to catch up so I can implement them all…

Before we get into the Thirteen fun, I’ve got to say… I am having THE BEST time watching the sales reports for The Demo Tapes books. As part of Read an E-Book Week, I’ve offered them for FREE. Here’s the link. Make me happy, will ya?

Now. Thirteen words that equal a whole

1. The
2. Snow
3. Around
4. Here
5. Is
6. Melting.
7. I
8. Am
9. Sad
10. to
11. See
12. it
13. Go

Happy Thursday Thirteen, gang! And welcome spring!

The day’s half over and I’m finally encouraging you to stop by Reading with Tequila. I’ve got a guest blog post there all about the Mitchell Versus Trevor war. Who do you prefer, the bad boy or the sensitive man?

You can also enter to win a few copies of The Demo Tapes — one is print and two are digital downloads. Get ’em now. Read ’em during Read an E-Book Week.

1. Last year, I posted about Read an e-Book Week.

2. This year, YOU (yes, you) can read BOTH of my books.

3. They are listed at Smashwords.com, as part of their special Read an E-Book promotion.

4. Yeah. That link won’t actually work until the 7th.

5. Or you can visit my profile page there now.

6. If you’re savvy, you’ll notice I dropped the price on the books.

7. And if you’re even savvier, you’ll hang tight for the 7th. The books will be discounted a FURTHER 50%.

8. If you want to make me extra royalties, or want a print copy, go to Lulu.com.

9. Use coupon code IDES between now and March 31 for a 10% discount on the print or download (it’s a .pdf download) copy.

10. But be sure to visit Read an E-Book Week’s home site.

11. You’ll find links to other e-books.

12. But they won’t be as good as mine. Or their authors as friendly as me.

13. Discover a new author this upcoming week. At the prices many of us are charging, you can REALLY load up and let the fun last beyond one mere week.

Back in September, I made this list for my thirteen. Details.

This week, I thought we’d do more telling details. The small things that speak volumes.

1. Leaving dirty dinner dishes on the bed.

2. What a smoker does when confronted with a full ashtray.

3. If a fan looks their star in the eye. If they speak up, ask for a picture, an autograph. And what they do once the interaction ends.

4. What you do when the guy behind you spills his Coke. Beer. Whatever.

5. How you handle being heckled by the drunk who’s got the seat beside you.

6. Which member of the band is first in the after-concert shower. And which member is last.

7. How a hockey player puts his gear on.

8. Dirt caked under a fingernail. Lunch stuck in a tooth.

9. Which side of the camera you’re most comfortable on.

10. How hard you fight sleep each night.

11. Your favorite bookmark.

12. Dog, cat, rabbit, reptile?

13. A person’s jeans.

Think about it. It’s the small things that speak so much.

Between the Olympics, putting my nose to the grindstone to bring you something you REALLY want, and two hours shoveling my driveway and front walk, time’s been tight here.

I haven’t forgotten you. Or abandoned you.

Be back soon–

My kids have been home for five days now, thanks to the snow. We’re all a little bit stir-crazy, even though we’ve been getting out.

Here are thirteen headlines that were ripped straight out of my imagination…

1. Snowbound kids turn 22 inches of snow into 20-foot snowman.

2. 20-foot snowman Crushes Neighbor’s Car

3. Kids Buried Waist-Deep in Snow. Freeze while Mom takes pictures for scrapbook

4. Mom serves doctored cocoa to kids. Takes bath while they sleep off the effects.

5. Heavy snow breaks skylight in local home. Kids build snowmen in bathtub.

6. Husbands around region bring sleeping bags to work. Seek to avoid family with cabin fever.

7. Man has heart attack clearing spot in grass for dog to pee on.

8. Mom Climbs Walls — and Refuses to come Down until Spring.

9. Bored kids plead with school board to reopen schools.

10. Snow Reminds Seniors of The Winter of 1900! Fifty inches over five days. Five hundred dead.

11. Libraries glad city shut down. Fear all books would be gone otherwise.

12. Vampires asked to help fill blood donor shortage. (Okay, inspired by a true story)

13. Punxy Phil laughs himself to six more weeks of hibernation.

Wait. That last one seems to have happened.

HUGE thanks to the special woman who makes me smile when she calls me “Sis.” There are starting to be fan pages for me and the band over at Facebook.

That’s right. You can be a fan of Trevor. Or Mitchell. Or this here entire operation called West of Mars.

Because I’m new at this and relatively clueless, if you’ve got ideas for what should be on these pages — sorry, but audio clips don’t exist, although I’d be willing to listen to your own version — speak up. Are there other characters you’d like to see pages for? (I can hear the Roadie Poet fans rumbling now…)

Let this be just another way you interact with our boys. It’s all for you.

And, okay, some royalties for me.

It’s Wednesday night. It’s been a busy week, with Alice Audrey stopping by (scroll down if you missed it) and my royalty-based donation to the Red Cross for Haiti (scroll down some more if you missed it). And it’s only Wednesday!

For some reason, tonight I’m craving…
1. Chocolate. Okay, that’s not new. In fact, that’s pretty much a constant.

2. A return to the summer night my friend Ryan and I sat on the hoods of our cars after a late-night hockey game and chatted for hours. I remember the way the damp, humid air felt on our ice-cooled skins. The thickness in my swollen knee (I had it cleaned out not even six months later). The feel of the smooth metal of my car under my thighs and palms. It was such a lush, erotic night.

3. A hot jacuzzi. A hot, PRIVATE jacuzzi. Score one for my old health club, where the jacuzzi was located in the locker rooms, thus making it relatively private. The Hoity-Toity Health Club? The jacuzzi’s in the pool area. Not so private.

4. Time with Trevor. Fiction (and Roadie Poet) has been absent from my site for a few weeks now. That’s gotta change.

5. More book sales. Of course. I can’t take over the world if no one’s reading my book!

6. The time to write this one outtake that’s been bugging me. It’s going to be one of those quiet, sensual types, like Rain. Or Hands.

7. Speaking of time and fiction, Deadly Metal Hatchet. If I’m not careful, Fozzy will let the Hatchet loose on ME.

8. I need to sigh heavily. ALL the fictional friends have been missing from this place. And I’ve got a ton of tabs open, waiting for Chelle to speak up.

9. Other things I’m craving… ice cream. The kind with a ton of butterfat and a full mouth feel. Preferably chocolate of some sort. Maybe with peanut butter. Maybe from Bruster’s. Or Dave and Andy’s. NOT from the grocery store.

10.
11.
12.
13.

Wha? Huh? I didn’t finish?

Okay. You can do it for me. I’m off to go write something.

So back on January 11, I said that I’d be donating a portion of my royalties to the Red Cross, to help with Haiti. I wish I could donate them all, but I’m still a little bit in the red.

Let’s see how I did…

On January 13, I got a payment from Smashwords.com. My royalties there were $11.41

On January 18, I got a payment from Lulu.com. My royalties there were $9.80

That comes to $21.21

But there’s more… the royalties from what you guys bought that haven’t been paid out yet.
At Smashwords, there’s $1.81 waiting to be paid.

At Lulu, there’s $6.55 waiting to be paid.

And at the Kindle store, there’s … a mystery. Their reports are hard to read; I’m not sure if they owe me 3.50 or 7.00 — excluding anything you bought during January, as there are NO January records available yet. So we’ll have to exclude the Kindle store and reiterate that if you buy Demo Tapes: Year 1 and send me the receipt, I’ll send you a coupon for a free Year 2 via Smashwords.

If we figure a minimum of $3.50 for Kindle, we have $33.07

I still have some overhead to pay off — print copies of the books, promotional money spent — so instead of donating the whole amount like I wish I could, let’s halve it and see what we get…

$16.535

That’s not a monetary amount!

So let’s round that UP to the nearest nickle and we get … $16.55.

I like even numbers. Let’s call it a $17 donation, shall we? That’s just over 50% of the royalties that arrived either via payments or sales during the twenty days my offer ran.

There ya go. $17 to Haiti via the Red Cross.

Thanks for supporting me, The Demo Tapes project, and reading in general. Not to mention the people who really need it right now.

***
Just a reminder… once I break even on my expenses, I’ll be donating larger portions to various charities. Stay tuned and keep supporting the books, even if all you do is spread the word. That helps more than I can tell you.

Yep, I haven’t been doing as many Only the Good posts as I have been. But here’s one for you:

I am off for the weekend, with Opening Act #1. We’re headed to a Boy Scout camp North of Mars, and we’re going to sled and use his new snowboard and … well, freeze. It’s colder there than it is here, and it’s only about 15 degrees here right now.

I’ve packed my Yellowstone layers. Yep, by that I mean the layers and fleece and alpaca wool and all the other good stuff I bought when the Tour Manager took me to Yellowstone over New Year’s two years ago. (Read all about it here. Just … don’t expect to see the pictures. I don’t know where they went! And here. And… here. And see what Trevor did as soon as I left!)

Scarily, those posts don’t even BEGIN to touch the experience that trip was.

Anyway… One thing I’m not bringing? The laptop. I’m not sure there’s service, and frankly, these weekends away are all about being in the moment and having fun with my kids. And the other adults we’ll be with; they’re a cool group.

The only downer is that I haven’t been sleeping well and the thought of snuggling on the couch with Opening Act #2 and watching tween girl flicks via Netflix on Demand and making French Toast for dinner appeals way more than the idea of being so darn cold (especially because it got so cold in my office today, I’ve been on the couch in the family room for over an hour now!). But… #1 got to pick which parent was undertaking this adventure, and I snookered the Tour Manager’s best friend into driving and …

Off we go. Into the wild cold yonder.

See you guys on Monday!

It’s the end of January. I’ve got the midwinter blahs, right on time.

I need ways to break the blahs. So I asked the band what they thought I should do. The answers, of course, were less than helpful.

1. Daniel suggested I grab the Tour Manager and go find some cool band playing in the city limits. Not a bad idea, actually. A pair of suede jeans, some cool boots — and a skimpy little top that is perfect for the hot confines of a sweaty music hall (because sweaty music halls are the best kind) but that makes me cold while we’re outside. Oh, and I should throw my bra onstage and then flash the guys in the band.

Hmm.

2. Mitchell suggested going for ice cream and eating it on the bench outside the shop. But I should wait for a day when it’s snowing, and I should kick my legs as I lick my cone in the snow. Despite the input of a certain librarian, he had no suggestions of flavors.

Hmm.

3. Kerri suggested putting on an old t-shirt, a pair of old shorts, and grabbing some paint brushes. A new coat of paint for the walls, or just some kids’ paints and letting my inner child have some fun. But no black, no blue, and no pastels. All bright, cheery colors, please.

Especially if I paint the walls.

Hmm.

4. Mitchell then suggested I invite all my friends over, tell them to wear their shorts and swim wear, and throw a barbecue. Trevor one-upped him by turning it into a pig roast. Daniel one-upped him by floating the idea of a rib cook-off, with profits headed to Haiti relief.

Hmm.

5. Val brought us all back down to Earth with the suggestion that the Tour Manager and I take a weekend and flit off to some Caribbean island.

Hmm.

6. Trevor suggested I put shorts on and go for a ride on the back of his Vincent.

Uhh… no. Next?

7. Daniel suggested I go test-drive a fast car. Maybe the Acura ZDX, which I’m now lusting for (buy more books, people! It starts at $45k). Or something goofy and silly that’ll make me smile.

Hmmm.

8. Kerri suggested a new hair color. Or maybe a return to the pink.

Hmm.

9. Val thinks that going for some good Caribbean food would be the next best thing to going to the Caribbean itself. Or, she did for a minute and then reconsidered. There’s nothing better than warm sand under bare feet and a sarong tied just so it dips below one hip bone.

Caribbean. Hmm….

10. Kerri’s next idea was to go shopping. In the very high-end boutiques, the ones that dress the *sniff* society types. Fill a dressing room with clothes and then walk out, empty-handed. Or with a bracelet. Or that one piece you’ll wear the hell out of and makes people wonder if it ever comes off to get washed.

Hmm.

11. Eric offered to take me to an amusement park in a warm climate. (Busch Gardens, Tampa, maybe?) Nothing like a fast coaster and a warm night. Because we all know the coasters go faster at night (or is that reserved for the Thunderbolt at Kennywood?).

Hmmm.

12. Val said if we can’t do hot and sunny, we should do snowy. Sort of like Mitchell’s idea with the ice cream, but instead, take a day and go master the damn snowboard already.

Hmm.

13. All four of the boys in the band — especially Trevor — think I should take up a new exercise regime: either pole dancing or bellydancing. Or both. At the same time.

Boys in bands… *sigh*

I’m over at Drey’s Library today, talking about what it is about Trevor that makes him such a great character.

Come see it through my eyes — and then share it through yours.

I’ve been reading too much Captain Underpants ’cause I want to giggle, all Beavis-like, at the idea that I’ve started a movement. (“I said movement!”)

But maybe I have. I sure hope so.

You’ve been hearing a LOT about me trying to sell LOTS of books so I can donate part of the royalties to charity (So far, we’ve raised about $12. That’s it! I was hoping for … more).

Two authors have joined me in this effort, and I want to tell you who they are, so you can buy THEIR books if you won’t buy mine. (*sniff* books make great gifts, you know!)

First is Sue Lange. You can buy her collection of short work (the stories even have intros, like The Demo Tapes do!) via Smashwords. It’s called Uncategorized, and yes, I’ve read it. (here are some of my thoughts, in case you missed them) For a whopping $1.99, you can read it, too. AND help make a donation to Haiti.

Second is my good friend Wylie Kinson. I love Wylie; talking to her is like talking to a super-strong breath of fresh air. She’s got two books out via Ellora’s Cave, and while I’ve only read the one (Law of Averages), I’m confident in telling you to pick up both these books and settle in for a steamy read. These books are on the pricier side (yes, sarcasm intended); one’s priced over five bucks and the other just under four and a half.

So. Check out some Susan-approved authors. If you hear of more authors who’re doing the donation thing, let me know I’ll help spread the word. Many of you have been helping spread the word about me, so please. Let me return the favor.

Let’s do some good in the world. Royalties to help Haiti.

I decided today was going to be a Sweatpants Day. After all, I wasn’t really going anywhere. Why get a good pair of jeans dirty when I was going to be cooking and writing all day long?

That, of course, made me think of our favorite band.

1. Sweats are perfect for the tour bus. Especially for overnight trips.

2. As the band gains popularity, though, they often feel the need to change into jeans before going into the hotel.

3. After all, their fans are hanging out, waiting for autographs, pictures, whatever they can get from the guys.

4. Trevor, of course, once vowed to wear sweats the first time the band walked a red carpet at an event.

5. Everyone ignored him, trusting that his vanity would win out when the actual time came.

6. It did.

7. Of the four guys in ShapeShifter, only Eric and Daniel are likely to hang out in sweats.

8. Trevor says he likes his pants tighter.

9. Mitchell doesn’t like to feel sloppy. Or so he says.

10. Kerri thinks he just wants to show off his legs.

11. Kerri also wonders what he’s got to show off, and why he’d want to. Showing off is more Trevor’s thing.

12. Still, sweats make for a comfy way to pass a long, boring day on a tour bus.

13. Just so long as there’s no one to see you, I guess.

Remember, I’m donating a portion of my royalties between now and January 31 (at least) to the Red Cross. It’s the least I can do, don’tcha think? Books make great gifts, remember — and I’ve posted a coupon code for the print version if you buy through Lulu. Read all the details yourself.

Come visit with me over at Drey’s Library, where I’m the January Featured Author. Today, I’ve written about the books I love. Which, I’m sure you guys know, is a wide cross-section of goodness.

I need suggestions to add to my wishlist, though, so stop on by and see if you can make the list grow to 2100. Yes, Two Thousand One Hundred.

I guess when I created the characters of Mitchell and Kerri (guitarist and artist, respectively), I wasn’t that far off the mark. After all, lots of rockers make art in their free time. KISS’ Paul Stanley is one of the most visible of them.

Enter David Lee Roth.

I gotta say, I like the demon with the drumsticks. And the woman with the hair and the weird skivvies. The warring fingers are a bit of a mindfuck, no?

Go on. Give me some perspective that I’m missing…

Maybe it’s a sign from above, but last night as I was writing up my Thirteen (scroll down or click through to see/read it), royalties from Smashwords showed up.

So there’s our first concrete donation… keep the sales coming, gang. Keep spreading the word. All it takes is a few minutes of your time — and you get to keep the book, too!

The other thing is that I’ve neglected to mention I’ve been out and about lately. I’m the featured author this month over at Drey’s Library, one of my favorite places (it helps that Trevor’s got a crush on Drey). And today, I’m at Booking Mama, talking about my awesome book club.

It seems that everyone who’s leaving comments wants to join my book club. Talk about the compliments you guys can pay me…

Don’t forget to pay the highest one: buy The Demo Tapes. Both Year 1 and Year 2. Let’s make a nice, big, fat difference for the people of Haiti.